Why You’re Not Improving (Look At Your Crew)

Your friends are holding you back from getting good at Jiu-Jitsu. That's right. I said it. Blame everyone else but yourself. No personal accountability. No, what am I talking about here? I'm talking about socialization. So, here's the thing. It's kind of important. It's great to have friends. It's awesome. You make some of the best friends you can make through Jiu-Jitsu, strangling each other, beating each other up, going to tournaments, all the cool stuff, watching UFC, barbecues, the whole piece. But there's an interesting element here where we don't think about it too much because we all like to fit in and and and sometimes it's hard to fit in at Jiu-Jitsu, but depending on what you want to get out of the experience, your friends will really dictate your outcomes. And this isn't about you know, if you're not rich, get rich friends, like I don't I'm not saying that. I know that Joe doesn't love that. Um, but Your network is your net worth. Well, I do agree, I do agree with that actually, but I wanted to break this down a little bit because there was somebody who was actually talking about uh, weight loss and how it's very difficult if you're a, you know, if you know, if you're trying to lose some weight and everyone around you is not. Yeah. Because you are abnormal in that way. You know, like it's you're going against the grain. Yeah. And so for example, and this is where I wanted to take this chat is let's say you're you are trying to get fitter for BJJ. And so you've, you know, whatever, you start doing some stretches, you start going to the gym, but none of your mates at Jiu-Jitsu, they do that. Like you start, you go, oh, I'm going to go stretch before class. And then they're like, what are you doing that for? That's weird. That's that's dumb. You look, you look silly. You know what I mean? Because they, they feel self-conscious, right? They say that about me? I mean, people, people, people have said to me, that looks gay. And I was like, hey, look, Bro, we're doing Jiu-Jitsu. I've turned a man. What can I say? You've seen how handsome I am? Don't worry about this stretch, baby. These hips can do magic things. But um, it's one of those things that we all can it's funny that Jiu-Jitsu people would accept Jiu-Jitsu in its entity and then go, hang on, that hip stretch is that's that's fruity. You can't do that. You know. But if you don't have fit friends, it will be very hard for you to get there. It's not to say that you can't, right? There's many people out there, David Goggins-esque, who will succeed in spite of everything, right? Succeed in spite of themselves, say. You know, they will do anything that it takes to get where they want to go, but this is a very rare exception because the people around you set the tone for what you expect and also what you will accept. So I think these two things, expectations and what you're prepared to accept, and I, you know, I'm going to go through a few different elements here in regards to Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, fair. I mean, Goggins doesn't strike me as the type to have friends. Right? And that's and if you're that lone wolf kind of character, then, you know, Hey, good luck to you. Yeah, that's right. But uh, but yeah, all right. So just just clarify the the scenario here. So um, someone that's training Jiu-Jitsu, they've got their Jiu-Jitsu buddies, but their buddies don't, they don't do the gym thing. They're not looking after themselves outside. Well, maybe so for example, the gym I trained at uh, when I first started, people were not stretching, they weren't lifting, nothing like that. They they train really hard at Jiu-Jitsu, but then they're like, yeah, we're going to go for beers afterwards. I'm like, what the hell? Like, I don't give me wrong, I get the the social aspect of that, but I was like, you're going to drink alcohol after you've just beat the shit out of your body for like it's we're not it's not the 1980s, you know, we're not playing state of origin and just pounding beers after taking concussions. That's not what we're doing. It it was just strange to me because it was that was definitely more the fun, you know, you know, people party, it's cool. Like, I mean, I it's not so much a judgment around that because for somebody that might be Why you got to drink right now? Yeah. I I just I that's like the worst time. Like, you need to actually hit a protein shake and try to get some sleep. But, you know, if you want to do that, go ahead, fuck yourself up, right? But that's just because I have been very um, it's been very drilled into me to try to get an advantage. Always try to get an advantage, like athletically. So you would do everything you could to get an athletic advantage. Why would you proactively do something that's going to fuck that up? Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Like that's that's been very drilled into me since I was very young with Taekwondo. I wasn't actually that good at it, but I just worked my ass off to be competitive. Yeah. And ultimately became good enough, but not good enough to be, you know, an Olympian or anything like that, but good enough to win win some tournaments. But I had to work so hard to get that. So if I were to go drinking or do anything like that, that would really uh, kind of kill me. But the reason why I bring this up is if, let's say for example, you are really intent on competing at a tournament, or you want to train up, you want to go to World Masters or whatever it might be. But all your mates are like, oh, we don't compete. Nah, that's not for us. It will be difficult for you to be like, oh, I want to do a bit of extra takedown practice. You know what I mean? Like this is this is where these conversations come in because if you hang out with those people who you started with, which is typically what happens in Jiu-Jitsu, right? You've got your mates, you started together at white belt, now you're blue belts together and that's cool. And then they're like, oh, no, man, I don't have time for that. And and yeah, they're still your friends, but it doesn't mean that what they do is what you should be doing, but typically because you want to fit in with the friends, you tend to copy, you just go along with the crew, right? Today's show is brought to you by our good friends at Raised Nutrition. Raise the bar. They've got all the flavors. They've got tropical acai. If that doesn't speak BJJ, I don't know what does. They've got salted caramel, which is delicious. And they've also got rich chocolate and roasted almond, which goes awesome with coffee. So if you're looking for a snack to power your BJJ, this is built for you. It's all the clean good stuff without the nasties. Whether you're trying to get some energy before training or you're trying to speed your recovery after, go to raisednutrition.com and use the code bulletproof and you'll get yourself some free bars. Get it today. Yeah. I can definitely think of um, when I of this happening to me when I started Jiu-Jitsu, but it wasn't my friends at Jiu-Jitsu, it was my social group outside of that. Sure. And just like kind of, I mean, we're living, you know, we're living in Bondi and it was just That's the time. Every night, every night was on the beers. Every other, you know, you're on the beers and then um, turns into a night every night. Yeah. And I was just, I was like training every night. And so I'd still do both, but there's plenty of nights where I wouldn't go for beer and they'd be like, come and have a beer. And it wasn't that anyone was trying to, like, everyone was supportive of it. No one had a, you know. But it was more just the it's you're like, ah, temptation. Yeah. And I don't know, I probably cave like a handful of times or a bunch of times over the years, but If he had 20 hands. But but yeah, but but I but I think like it did require me to exercise like a lot of self-control or discipline, you know, in that moment. And and I kind of I like that. I thrive on that a little bit. But for someone who doesn't, that would have been a really tricky scenario, right? That's hard. So, you know, it eventually dawned on me, maybe living in the fucking center of the party scene, maybe that's not it wasn't a bad, you know, it's just like maybe I could go somewhere else. Living above a nightclub, maybe it wasn't the best for me. I should stop slinging rock, you know, it's just I feel like I'm doing too much coke. The street lights. It's not good for my Jiu-Jitsu. Yeah, look, the the phrase which I got from uh, you know, I don't know who had said it first, but I got it from Naval was, show me your friends and I'll show you your future. So, if you it doesn't matter if your friends are younger than you or they're older than you, but where they're going is where you're going. And this idea that you are the five people you spend your most time with. And so you're like, oh man, who do I spend time with? And really this comes around more that you can actually learn a lot from people, especially if you start hanging out with somebody new and they start doing something different. You're like, oh, that's why do you do that? And they start giving you some insight as to why they do certain things. You're like, ah, maybe maybe I should try that. You know, it's it gives you permission. I think this is a really good thing that when you start to when you go to a new gym and they do stuff differently. You're like, oh, okay, there's something there's something different here. And then you start behaving differently by going along with the group and it helps you and you're like, oh, I'm doing better now. My Jiu-Jitsu is better or oh, my takedowns got better. Oh, we always practice wrestling. You know, things like this, like wrestling's always part of our warm-ups and without doing wrestling classes, I just I'm more confident on my feet just because it becomes habitual. And really your habits are what makes you and we tend to not everybody. I mean, I'm a I'm probably a little bit I don't know what the word is. Fucking not rebellious. I just I'm not just going to do something because someone tells me. Even if they're smarter than me, better than me at a thing, I will always be like, oh, why? Hang on, I'm not just going to take, I'm not going to take that on face value. Why do you say this? And uh, you know, it's That's even but even as a student, like if you've shown up to a Jiu-Jitsu class, let's say pre-black belt, would you have had the same that same thing or is that a thing now that you're like, No, I've always been this way. Grandmaster. Not even. No, I always ask a lot of questions. I'm very annoying. I think I'm an annoying student. What if I gouged you in that moment? What if I put my finger into that pressure point in your armpit? What if I just Well, okay. Why not? Yeah. But I I no, no, it's more around when um, and you you probably think I think you I mean, correct me if I'm wrong here, Joe. When you go to a new gym, not not necessarily BJJ, but like any kind of gym, you're assessing it. You you're you're kind of Fucking always judging. Oh, you're judging the fuck out of those guys, right? Because not only are you a participant, you're you're a trainer, you're a gym owner, you're so many layers that you're like, they did that there. Like you're you're taking it in. Same thing as you go to a new restaurant. You're like, oh, that's nice. Fuck. Yeah, it's smells amazing. Oh, service is good. You know, just it's hitting you on so many levels. I believe for most people when they join a Jiu-Jitsu gym, because they've never had experience of it. They don't there's no levels of perception. They're like, oh, this is what Jiu-Jitsu is. Yeah. Then once you've done it for a little while and then maybe you're out of town and you just go to a different gym, you're like, ah, okay. Cool. This is new, this is different. And you pick up behaviors from other people that you either like or you're like, oh, I don't like that. So that reinforces something else. Yeah. And you make friends and they're not necessarily all at your gym. This is what I'd say. You're going to make friends everywhere. You might have a mate who trains at a gym interstate, but whenever you catch up, you train and you pick up stuff from them. And I think this is the reason why I'm going here with this is, if you look around and all your mates smoke weed and party, but they do Jiu-Jitsu and they're good times folks and they're good at Jiu-Jitsu, but maybe they don't necessarily live the most organized life, you know? And you're like, yeah, smoking weed, that's fun, that's cool. I'll do that. That starts to creep in because that's accepted by your group. Yeah. You know, and it's also expected like, hey man, like come come have some beers and we'll fucking smoke a spliff afterwards, you know? Like the expectation and what's acceptable is set by those people. And so I you know, it is difficult to do, but I believe the easiest way for you to change your behavior is to actually be around people who are acting differently. Fuck, I can see the unk comments coming now on YouTube. Man, I get people call me unk all the time and I say, listen here, nephew. You can call me unk all day. I don't give a fuck. It's one of those things that I've been an old guy since I was 21. You know, like I've I've been that 50-year-old fucking giving everyone life advice since I was 21. You know, and I I don't I don't mind. They call me Captain Dad, you know, that's that's always telling everybody what to do. But it's more that Oh, yeah, I I agree. I mean, I think that yeah, if you if you are trying to modify your behavior, like you're trying to add a new thing and it's kind of not within the culture of your kind of social group, then yeah, you probably need to like break free from that at least, like not permanently, right? It's not it's not like you have to leave your friends, but it's just like, well, go and get some friends who are into that and like hang out with them a couple days a week. Yeah. You know, and then go back to your other friends. Yeah, but it's also support too. This is what I wanted to say. It's not just that not trying to not trying to shit on your friends here, but it's more that They're fucking idiots. They're the worst. They're the worst. You you just you go queen, you support yourself. No, I'm not talking about that. I'm saying more that I think we can learn things from people good and bad, right? Yeah. You can observe successful behaviors and behaviors that are not. But but ultimately, if you see someone doing something better than you and you want to get better at the thing, say it's wrestling or it's berimbolos, you you might go get a private lesson or you might do extra work on that thing. And then you're like, oh, hang on, there's a whole crew of people who are who practice this a lot. I I'm going to engage in that practice and then you get better at it. And then after a while, you find out, oh, all these people stretch all the time. I never stretched before. Oh, I'm stretching now. I'm now I'm better at that. Like for me, uh, you know, when I'm changed gyms to go to strength workshop, everyone there is obsessed with getting stronger, like everybody. Even the people who are not necessarily the strongest people in the room, they're so focused. They write everything down. They're thinking about it. They've got their equipment, they've got their food, like they're so organized. And and I'm just like, wow, like people really care about this thing. And that it's kind of um infectious. And so in that way, um, I believe that even though yes, you've got to set your own habits, you've got to set the tone. Being around people who want what you want or doing what you would aspire to do is like a bit of a cheat code. There's a bit of an easier way. There's less friction to do it when you've got people around you supporting you and also just doing it too. Yeah. Yeah, I agree. So, look, man, I I think I'm not saying you go break up with all your friends, but, you know, we all have different circles, right? So I think spending a bit of time with people who are getting better or or focused on it, it will make the journey easier. And whether it be you're learning, the support, whatever it is, bringing that together and learning from a new group of people, it's uh, it's very helpful. There it is, y'all. If you liked the episode, give us a like and a subscribe. Appreciate y'all.